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Hello all! How have you been! It’s been nuts here in North Texas this weekend. We got some crazy, icy weather Thursday night, so I’ve been stuck in the house all weekend! Well, today’s topic is a bit serious, I want to talk about fear. I’ll tell you all about my biggest fears and how they came about and discuss the nature of those fears and the worries they cause…

Let’s dive right in. I think my biggest fear is being unhappy with my life choices when I am older. Right now, I am convinced I’m doing the right things with my life: staying in school, not having children, not getting married, not partying, not doing drugs, not being wild, living at home to save money, etc., but there is always that lingering fear that I will hit 40 or 50 or 60 and realize I did not fulfill my purpose in this life and did not live up to my full potential. I think that’s partially because I want to do SO many things, but only have the confidence to try a few of them. In my dreams I want to make films, take pictures, backpack around Europe and South America, have love affairs, be a foreign correspondent, teach English, be a film critic, etc. Everyday I wake up and I daydream about something different, I talk to people and watch films that inspire me and motivate me to be someone great, but at the end of those same days I am still at home and still in school, still bettering myself mentally, but stagnant in most other ways. I get upset about it and this year has been especially hard since I’m about to turn 25. I know that’s not old in the grand scheme of things and I genuinely think my golden years will be in my thirties and early forties, but it still doesn’t help my current mindset and worries. I grew up as an Army brat and lived in Fort Benning, Georgia and Mililani, Hawaii, but in 2003 I moved to Bixby, Oklahoma. I’ll blog about my experiences in high school a little later, but for now I’ll just say that I am behind the “family” curve for my peers. I log on to Facebook everyday and see women my age and younger with multiple kids and husbands, and while I will never know if they are truly happy with their positions in life, I do worry that I am never going to catch up to them maternally or romantically. They got started almost 10 years ago, and although I’ve been dating, I’m no where near ready to settle down (since I obviously haven’t accomplished any of those things I mentioned previously), so I’m going to be more than a decade behind them in those areas. Our society says that finding love and having kids are the only emotionally fulfilling things for women, and while I do not believe that now, what if I find that it’s true when I’m older?  I’m not very confident and that keeps me from trying the things I want to try. I mean, I enter internet photo contests and all that, but I should talk to more people and try more things. I had no confidence in high school because I got made fun of a lot and people didn’t really like me. I’d say my most confident and least fearful time was when I graduated with my B.A.-I was confident and I really thought I was intelligent and was ahead of the game. Then came graduate school and socially it was like going back to high school. At first I thought it was a perfect fit for me because people had unique interests and liked the things I liked, but that wasn’t the case. I have made a few friends that I know will be my friends for life, which is more than I can say about high school (only 2 people from high school have kept in touch, been my friend, and hung out with me on a regular basis-from 2007 until now). I am at the age where I know what I like and I know what I want, but I am not yet sure that I know what I don’t like and don’t want, until I experience it. No one ever knows if they are making the right decision until they are older and by then it is too late if you’ve made the wrong one, so I know I need to just go for it and do what I want, but I am scared now of screwing up my future and I’m afraid that in the future I won’t be satisfied with my current decisions; it’s a catch 22, therefore in all areas except my work and my academics, I am pretty stagnant. I’m an only child, so I’m also paralyzed by the thought of losing my parents, but I’ll talk to y’all about that in another post! So, those are my biggest fears…better known as a quarter life crisis!

I have other fears, like drowning, claustrophobia, confrontation, etc…

What is your biggest fear and why?