Well, it’s done. I’m not a student any more. Barring some miracle of probablity that allows me to be accepted into one of the two PhD programs I applied for, I’ve likely taken my last class, ever.
I am fucking terrified, but also very, very excited. I have been a student, continuously, since 1993. I went to preschoool, kindergarten, graduated high school, was concurrently rolled in community college, then continued with community college, transfered to a private university, then to a state school, got a B.A., an M.A., started a PhD program, transferred into another M.A. program, and just finished that degree yesterday.
I have been stir crazy the past two nights. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I suddenly have SO much physical and creative energy. I want to start a vlog, write a novel, master a couple of the languages I’ve studied, date, travel, exercise, deep clean my apartment, go out with friends, save money, make a financial plan, apply for my dream jobs, go to the movies, get a hair cut, buy clothes, explore, live.
School has been a constant in my life, but recently I’ve felt like I’m in The Truman Show. I finally drifted into the wall. Don’t get me wrong, it would be an absolute dream to get my PhD if I found a good program that gave me the financial support I need and allowed me to explore my unique interests. But the days of being forced into taking classes I had no other option but to take and structuring my every thought in a way as not to offend or sound dumb have passed.
I want to write stuff that I think and experience without having to consult theories or worry about what grade my feelings and opions will earn. I feel empowered and free and it’s invigorating.
At the same time I do feel aimless. I know where I will be working and living until August of 2016, but other than that I have zero clue about what my life is going to consist of. I have no semesters to start, classes to register for, books to buy, assignments to stress over…all of these signposts that have punctuated my life since I can remember are gone. I don’t want to become a bump on a log that comes home from work and does nothing every night. I need to find a new purpose, which, like I said, is equal parts freeing and anxiety inducing.
*SN: YES, I KNOW I am incredibly, undeniably priveledged to have this space in my life to even have these thoughts and feelings. I am not crying about it…just feelin’ them emotions, man!
Anyway. One of my main goals is to write and film more. I AM going to start filming vlogs before the new year and I AM goign to begin writing on here more often. Maybe this is weird, but I often don’t write (and haven’t begun filming) because I feel like I don’t fill a category that people would be interested in. I don’t have a pet here, I don’t have a car here, I’m not a mom, I’m not a student, I’m not a wife. I work and think-that’s all. I do some urban exploring and cooking. I love to travel and watch movies. But I feel like writing about these things isn’t particularly interesting because they are things everyone does. Of course, I have strong opions about race, politics, religion, etc. which could help establish my inividuality, but those are such polarizing things that I feel like they aren’t useful to connecting with diverse groups. Whatever though, I am going to start writing and filming, whether it’s boring as shit or not.
Next week I am going home to TEXAS. I have a little road trip planned for my birthday and I am going to hang out with my mom alot. Watch some Korean dramas, eat, play with my dogs, run, drive, get my hair done, go to Mass (which mean I have to go to confession ASAP…eeeeekkk!), write, film, geocache, explore, and have lots of fun. I am SO excited! I haven’t been home since August, which is a long time for me.
Well, I’m going to wrap this up, but before I go I am wondering if I should write down some of the ideas I have for upcoming blogs and vlogs…I want them to be a surprise, but I also need to put them down somewhere so I don’t forget. Here is a provisional list, which means I may or may not follow through with all of them, but they’ll be here anyway:
- -Fascism in the Bronx, I Love Lucy, Hawaiian, Cuba, Korean
- Staten Island
- Long Island
- High School (parts 2>)
- Family history
- My job
- Korean dramas
- Road trip
These are just a few ideas, but hopefully something catches your eye. Anyway, I am going to write again before Christmas, but just in case, have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!
-That Ginger, Anna